"A Tribute to Grandpa" or "Here, Mom. It's Finally Done"

About my Grandpa

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I have been asked to write a tribute about my Grandpa.

I have been putting it off, partly because I am by nature a procrastinator and partly because I couldn’t decide what to say.

You see, my Grandpa was such an amazing man that there is simply too much to talk about.

I have so many memories of him.

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I was blessed to be able to grow up only a few minutes from him, so I got to see him a lot.

Here are some of my simple memories:

Grandpa hammering a nail through a coconut so I could drink the milk.

Grandpa putting my bike together that I got for my birthday.

Grandpa pushing wheel barrows of dirt out of our basement so we could have more room.

Grandpa coming over for dinner on Sundays.

Grandma feeding Grandpa when both of his arms were in casts from breaking them while playing street football with neighborhood kids.

Talking with Grandpa about serving in World War 2.

Grandpa telling stories in Uncle Randy’s backyard about his favorite horse.

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I could go on and on, but let me share a few more specific memories.

When I was little Grandpa would greet me, and very often my best friend Holly by saying “Hello Fred”.

She or I would answer “That’s not my name!”

He would respond “Oh, I’m sorry George”.

We would say “No, I’m not George”.

This game would go on for a few minutes until he finally admitted to knowing who we were and giving us a hug.

10 or so years later, after I had moved out, my good friend Holly went to see my mom. She was there visiting when Grandpa showed up.

She was excited to see him, and he was excited to see her as they had not seen each other in a few years.

He said to her “Little Holly? Is that you?”

Holly’s face fell and she answered him, “No Mark, it’s me, Fred!”

They both laughed as they hugged each other.

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Another more recent memory happened only a few years ago.

I was in Provo visiting and my Mother had not been able to get a hold of Grandpa. She asked

me to drive to his house to see why he wasn’t answering his phone.

I found him in his garage building shelves. He hadn’t heard his phone ringing from where he was.

I stayed and visited with him for a while.

While I was there I noticed that his couches, which I knew he had had for a while, still had the tags on them.

I loved that he was too busy even at the age of 89 to sit down long enough to cut the tags off his couches.

I said to him, “Grandpa, didn’t anyone ever tell you that 89 year old men are supposed to sit around and watch tv?”

He answered “No, and if they did, I’d tell them to go to hell!”

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I admire Grandpa so much. Enough that I even named my son Mark after him.

He was an amazing man, just as my Grandma was an amazing woman.

There was nothing that Grandpa couldn’t do, from flying an airplane or building a house from the

ground up, to soothing a sad child.

I love Grandpa, and I consider myself blessed to be his grand daughter.

Another Reason I Love Grandpas (and Why You Shouldn't Gamble)

I got this joke in an e-mail from (can you guess?) my Grandpa.

I hope you like it as much as I did.

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead..'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

'The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a break even.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

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What do you call the other grandparents? and Instructables!

Today's blog is sponsored by: My Mom and Dad!

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My Mother is asking for help and my Dad has a wonderful bit of information to share.

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Firstly, my mom's dilema.

My Mom has 7 children, 7 children-in-law, and 25(+) grandchildren.

This also means that she has 7 sets of people that she shares her 25 grandchildren with. Meaning, her children's in laws.

These are people that she sees regularly. They were there when her children got married. When her children have children, when those (grand)children are blessed, at birthday parties, holidays, baptisms, etc.

These are people who, though she doesn't see them or talk to them everyday she is invariably connected to, and through amazing blessings, even likes.

So she feels she should have a better name for them than "my children's in-laws" or "my grandchildren's other grandparents".

She is looking for suggestions for an appropriate term. And knowing how creative and helpful so many of my bloggies can be, suggested I ask all of you for ideas.

She has already dismissed: shirttail relatives, out-laws, kissing cousins and co-grandparents as options.

What do you think?

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Next, my father, being the ultimate scouter, outdoorsman, do-it-yourselfer, MacGuyver wanna-be, and possibly one of the 3 Nephites, is always on the look out for new uses for old objects, as well as interesting uses for just about anything.

So when he found a website that will show you how to make a wreath out of barbie dolls, a tent out of recycled tent parts, a marshmellow gun, vortex cannons, a 900,000 volt Van de Graff Generator using cheap parts, or even just an upcycled glowing toilet plunger lamp, he couldn't wait to share.

The website is instructables.com.

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Thanks for the help, and happy creating!

Don't Road Rage the Grandma

Another cool Grannie, making sure that sonny shows her the respect she deserves.

Another Grandma Story

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

"You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

"Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

"He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

"Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Again, you gotta love Grandmas.