Utah Census Form

I got this one in an email from my second mom, Sharon.

I don't live in Utah, but a lot of these things still apply to me.

For my non LDS readers, please recognize this as one of the ways we Mormons laugh at ourselves.

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Utah Census Form

1._____________________ _____________________

(GIVEN NAME) (SURNAME)

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2. Descendant of:

A. Brigham Young _____

B. Heber C. Kimball _____

C. Laman and Lemuel _____

D. Cain _____

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3. Tribe of Israel : _____________________

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4. Number of occupants residing in home in each category: (List in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary _____

C. Senior Primary _____

D. Young Women's _____

E. Young Men's _____

F. Relief Society _____

G. Elder _____

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest _____

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5. Occupation [Please select all that apply]:

A. doTerra consultant _____

B. Shaklee dealer _____

C. Noni juice dealer _____

D. NuSkin dealer _____

E. Melaleuca dealer _____

F. Neways dealer _______

G. Xango dealer _______

H. Amway dealer _____

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6. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____

B. Van _____

C. Suburban _____

D. School Bus _____

E. Double Decker _____

F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________

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7. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____

B. Hometown Buffet _____

C. Golden Corral _____

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8. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____

B. Abinadi _____

C. Samuel the Lamanite_____

D. Steve Young _____

E. Johnny Lingo _____

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9. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply]:

A. Scriptures _____

B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____ D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____

E. Tic Tacs _____

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. iPod _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _____

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10. Do you prepare your church lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance _____

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. During Sacrament Meeting _____

F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting______

G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching _____

H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit] _____

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11. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders:

A. yes___

B. no ___ 1

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2. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations ____

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13. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

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14. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______

B. 31st ______

C. 31st ______

D. 31st ______

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15. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 _____

C. 20-30 _____

D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____

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16.. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Everybody Loves Raymond"

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17. How many times a year do you make:

A. Green Jell-O salad _____

B. Funeral potatoes _____

C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____

D. Chicken, cashews and grape- stuffed croissants_____

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18. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand _____

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

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19. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz

B. Fort Knox

C. Ward Libraries

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20. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the Pinewood Derby: _________

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21. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate: ___pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____

B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

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22. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game _____

AMEN

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I would like to state for the record that I have never taken a big gulp to church or made a cabbage and top ramen salad.

But I have been living outside of Utah for almost 5 years now, so maybe the most severe symptoms are wearing off?

Admit it, you'd go to the football game, wouldn't you?

Why Some Wards Fit Better Than Others

Haven't we all been in a ward, or attended a church where we didn't really feel we fit in?

The ward I had the hardest time in was one where 75% of the members were all related, and if you didn't go to their family reunion they kind of wondered what you were doing in their ward.

I stuck with it though and made some very good friends in that ward.

Happily, most of my wards have been great, and the one I am in now is wonderful.

But I read this article from the Salt Lake Tribune that explains how a different makeup of wards could be beneficial.

Which one would you go to?

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Find your niche in specialty wards

-Robert Kirby, Tribune columnist

Salt Lake Tribune

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Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Ward chapel.

It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's also where I want to go.

Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For church, we're bound by the geography of the ward boundary. We worship where we live.

The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor is when we attend specialty wards.

For example, I went to a Spanish-speaking ward in West Jordan for a while.

Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship together and support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's vineyard. There are (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards, including singles wards, college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and nudist wards.

OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards" in places where Mormon RV owners congregate.

I talked it over with my friend (despite a restraining order) Ken Wallentine. We think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in our ever-changing and increasingly divided culture.

For example, there needs to be a late ward, a ward Mormons who are perpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about dragging their herd in 15 minutes late.

The only problem with a late ward would be showing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the first place.

Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time before it started. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We will close now by singing hymn No. 145."

Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need for maternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called married student wards.

A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge" instead of the stand. High-council Sunday would be referred to as a "Klingon Sunday."

Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else. Why not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with black leather.

Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would be a lot more interesting if real personal risks were involved in disagreeing with a lesson.

There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony with your thumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards.

At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't.

Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting. Nobody's going to sleep through, "HEY! I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE, STUPID!"

A big hit would be the Multi Level Marketing ward, also known as a "Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on in this culture, it would be nice to have them all in one place for a three-hour block weekly.

I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we could probably hope for is a Democrat branch..

The April 2009 Children's Conference Packet

It's here again.

April Conference.

For my non LDS bloggies, this is the semiannual event, where instead of going go chruch on Sunday, our church leaders in Salt Lake City broadcast 4 sessions of a General Conference all over the world.

From Alaska to Virginia and Australia to Zimbabwe, church members are able to listen to the radio, watch on the internet, travel to a meeting house to watch a satellite broadcast, or in my case, sit on their couch and watch on television to hear the leaders of our church, including our phophet, Thomas S. Monson, speak to us.

There are 2 sessions on Saturday and 2 on Sunday.

It is our family tradition, since I was little, to put together a large puzzle while we listen to conference.

If that isn't enough for your kids to stay busy here is a children's packet that you can print out and have your kids work on while they watch.

2009 April Conference Packet

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Puzzles & Games puzzles general conference p

I hope you all have a great weekend and enjoy conference.

And Melissa, (or anyone else), if you want to check it out, I'd love to have you over to watch a session or two with us.

Mormon Cartoons -Sunday Post

I decided to go a little lighter for todays post.

Enjoy.

If you are interested in learning more about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints please visit mormon.org.

The Scriptures, My Favorite Iphone App

I only got my iphone 2 months ago, and I have loved it.

It does so many awesome things.

Including making my bag lighter because it has so many features I can leave many of my otherwise necessary items at home, or even lose them all together.

The iphone comes with many cool programs and features already, but you can go to the app store (short for application, I think), and download even more.

Many of these apps are free. Some you have to pay to get.

I downloaded a solitaire app called Solebon for 99 cents that has about 30 solitaire games.

And one of my favorites is the lightaber app. So cool. Basically I have my own lightsaber now. Just in case I encounter any wandering Sith on my way to check the mail.

But, while the lightsaber app is a close second, my absolute favorite app for my iphone is the scripture app.

I used to carry a 25 pound bag to church that carried every manual and book I thought I might need.

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No more.

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While there are free scripture apps available that are tailored to meet the needs of most any religion, being that I am Mormon I sought out the ones that offered the 4 LDS Standard Works.

I tried a few free apps, but eventually invested 15 bucks (the most I have paid for any app) in my scriptures app, by readscriptures.com.

This app was not only worth 15 dollars, it was worth it's weight in gold plates.

A regular set of scriptures from Deseret Book will run 60-100$, and won't include all the features this one does.

This set of scriptures includes everything you see here:

Not only the 4 standard works, but also:

-The US Constitution

-The Joseph Smith Translation

-Topical Guide

-Bible Dictionary

-The LDS Hymnbook

-The Children's songbook

-Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith

-Preach My Gospel

-Book of Mormon Study Guide

-Book of Mormon Teacher's manual

And other references such as:

-True to the Faith

-The Living Christ

-For the Strength of Youth

-Family Proclamation

-Lectures on Faith

It even has all the talks from the last 4 General Conferences,

and a quote reference guide that will bring up quotes on almost any topic, searchable in alphabetical order.

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I almost don't need to take anything else to church with me anymore.

It rocks!

And now I have this treasure trove of spiritual knowledge with me wherever I go.

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If you would love to have this, but don't want to commit to a 2 year contract with AT&T, you have one other option.

The ipod touch offers everything that the iphone does except, well, the phone.

And the roaming internet access.

But you could still download this app and carry it instead of your 25 pound church bag.

And when you get bored during Sacrament Meeting you can play games on it.

I mean, um, look up quotes that would be relevant to the talks being given. (Yeah, that's what you should do).

But make sure you're not late to class because you're showing off your level 80 World of Warcraft Character to your friends in the hall with the Warcraft Characters app. (Guilty smile).