Friday, May 8, 2009

Utah Census Form

I got this one in an email from my second mom, Sharon.
I don't live in Utah, but a lot of these things still apply to me.
For my non LDS readers, please recognize this as one of the ways we Mormons laugh at ourselves.
Utah Census Form
1._____________________ _____________________
2. Descendant of:
A. Brigham Young _____
B. Heber C. Kimball _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Cain _____
3. Tribe of Israel : _____________________
4. Number of occupants residing in home in each category: (List in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women's _____
E. Young Men's _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____
5. Occupation [Please select all that apply]:
A. doTerra consultant _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Noni juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____
F. Neways dealer _______
G. Xango dealer _______
H. Amway dealer _____
6. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
F. BMW (Big Mormon Wagon) ________
7. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Golden Corral _____
8. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite_____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____
9. Which of the following do you bring to church [check all that apply]:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Franklin Planner/ Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____ D. Lifesavers/ Cheerios _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. iPod _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____
10. Do you prepare your church lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting______
G. During the opening prayer of the class you're teaching _____
H. Just wing it [according to the promptings of the Spirit] _____
11. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with Big Gulp holders:
A. yes___
B. no ___ 1
2. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations ____
13. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____
14. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______
15. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You'll have to ask my lawyer _____
16.. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Everybody Loves Raymond"
17. How many times a year do you make:
A. Green Jell-O salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Chicken, cashews and grape- stuffed croissants_____
18. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____
19. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz
B. Fort Knox
C. Ward Libraries
20. How many structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you'll win the Pinewood Derby: _________
21. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate: ___pounds daily X 365 days annually= ____
B. Cola: ____gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____
22. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____
I would like to state for the record that I have never taken a big gulp to church or made a cabbage and top ramen salad.
But I have been living outside of Utah for almost 5 years now, so maybe the most severe symptoms are wearing off?
Admit it, you'd go to the football game, wouldn't you?


Carrie and Karl said...

hmmmm, here are my thoughts:
4-I love that high priest is listed after dearly departed, but if the person is departed then they aren't really there are they?
5- What about pampered chef and MaryKay?
9- what about the diaper bag and bag of tricks to keep your husband-oops, I mean kids,entertained during Sacrament Meeting?
11- I've never seen anyone with a big gulp at church- have you?
14- What about the 32nd?

I enjoyed reading this.

Chuck and Nancy said...

Most of those items are on my list of "repentables". Thanks for the reminder.

Chuck and Nancy said...

Well, I admit it. I have sometimes done my Visiting Teaching on the 32nd. Mom

Della Hill said...

I have never seen anyone at church with a big gulp and I am glad to hear that you haven't either.
I was wondering if the "Utah Mormon" culture was taking on new customs that I wasn't aware of.
I do take a bottle of water regularly, and have been guilty of drinking cherry pepsi at church. But only when I had a bad headache.
And it was from a 20oz. bottle that I had bought previously -not on Sunday.

Chet and Liz Hugo said...

Della, you rock!--Liz

Chet and Liz Hugo said...

Oh, and my favorite thing to take to church is Coke and vicodin.--Liz