Saturday, October 18, 2008

Chuck Norris

After yesterday's post I recieved at least one comment that there was no way Chuck Norris could possibly have been beaten by such a puny contingent of the world's greatest superheroes.
To illustrate this point I have collected 150 well known (even if not to you) facts about Chuck Norris.
01. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
08. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.
09. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.
13. Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and pooped out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
14. Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face.
Later Chuck dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face.
There is only one King.
15. Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
16. Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
17. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
18. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
19. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
20. Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. Chuck Norris decides waht time it is.
21. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
22. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
23. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
24. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
25. There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
26. Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
27. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
28. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
30. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
31. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
32. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
33. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
34. Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
35. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
36. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
37. Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris
38. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
39. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
40. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
41. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
42. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
43. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
44. What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
45. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
46. The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:
47. If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.
48. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
49. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
50. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
51. Chuck Norris Isn't funny, stop laughing.
52. Chuck Norris has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.
53. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
54. Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.
55. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
56. In conversation, Chuck Norris often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.
57. February 29th only occurs once every four years because Chuck Norris wills it to be so.
58. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
59. Chuck Norris really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
60. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
61. There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.
62. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
63. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
64. A man stopped Chuck Norris on the street and asked him to list 100 Chuck Norris facts. Unamused, Chuck Norris raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.
65. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
66. Chuck Norris once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Chuck Norris ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.
67. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
68. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Heck was That?"
69. There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
70. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
71. Did you hear they renamed the show Fear Factor ....It's now Chuck Norris.
72. Chuck Norris once faught Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Indiana Jones, MacGuyver and Superman, Chuck Norris pinned them all in 4.32 seconds, the ref was also pinned.
73. When Chuck Norris slaps a mosquito the blood goes back into the people it bit
74. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
75. The original Lord of the Rings book had Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. Except the book was 5 pages long, as he kicked Sauron's butt halfway through the first chapter.
76. Once Chuck Norris went black and came back.
77. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
78. Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
79. The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
80. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
81. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
82. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
83. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
85. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
86. Superman owns a pair of Chuck pajamas.
87. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
88. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
89. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
90. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
91. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
92. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
93. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
94. Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
95. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
96. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take crap from anyone.
97. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
98. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
99. Some people go swimming with dolphins, Chuck Norris swims with sharks.
100. Jimmy Hoffa was never found because Chuck Norris told him to disappear.
101. Only thing that scares Chuck Norris is a picture of Chuck Norris.
102. When Chuck Norris yells timber, everything falls.
103. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
104. In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
105. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
106. Chuck Norris can burn fire.
107. Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
108. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
109. Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
110. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
111. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
112. Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
113. Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
114. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
115. Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
116. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
117. Chuck Norris once farted Beethoven.
118. Jesus asks himself, "What Would Chuck Norris Do?"
119. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
120. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
121. When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
122. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
123. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
124. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
125. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
126. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
127. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
128. MacGyver can build an airplane out of paper clips and gum. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
129. Chuck Norris looked into Medusa's eyes and Medusa exploded.
130. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
131. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
132. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
133. Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
134. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
135. Chuck can divide by zero.
136. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
137. Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
138. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
139. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
140. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
141. When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.
142. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
143. Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
144. Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.
145. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.
146. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
147. When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
148. There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.
149. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.
150. It only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop
Tag "Chuck Norris Jokes", "Chuck Norris Facts", "The Complete Chuck Norris"


lekiM said...

I meant to say this yesterday but it is even better today. Chuck Norris is a wanna be. Bruce Lee rules,
Chuck drools.

Tom and Lillie Wilkinson said...

In reference to 132, my dad is just as cool as Chuck Norris, his heart lost too.