Wednesday, February 27, 2008

One liners

My brother Mike (who is serving in Iraq) e-mailed me a bunch of jokes from his favorite comedian Mitch Hedberg.
Here are some of my favorites:
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I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
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An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.
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I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
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You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob.
It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
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3 comments:

Amanda said...

I really liked this one!

Ben & Kimberly McEvoy said...

So funny, thanks for sharing. it is a relief to have great humor that isn't sexual.

Della Hill said...

I agree!
-Della